Late Night Snark: “…and boy are my arms tired!” Edition
“President Biden flew to Europe on his first foreign trip. Biden’s going to England, Belgium, and Switzerland. Biden had some cicada trouble, swatting away one before his flight. Tomorrow that cicada will be on Fox News in a neck brace calling for Biden to be impeached.”
“Joe Biden is trying to repair some of the damage Trump did to our relationships with our allies, and it’s exciting for America. It’s like introducing our new fiancé to all our friends. Y’know, we haven’t been as close with our friends over the last few years because our ex was a loud annoying cheater who never picked up the check. But now we got a new guy—he’s a little boring, he’s not exactly George Clooney, but he treats us well and doesn’t throw Starburst fruit chews at the other world leaders, so it should be nice.”
“Texas Democrats shut down a voter-suppression law by doing what I do every time I’m at a party: leave without telling anyone. It is bananas that the only way Texas Democrats can do their job is to straight-up disappear. Texas already makes it notoriously hard to vote. But Republicans are trying to make it even tougher than rodeo-roping Ted Cruz during a natural disaster—his oily secretions make him a bitch to lasso.”
“The police were able to master technology to the point where they created an entire covert messaging app to catch criminals in over 18 countries. And yet they still can’t figure out how to turn on a body camera.”
“Republican representative Marjorie Taylor-Greene sent a letter to President Biden that demanded he launch an investigation into Dr. Anthony Fauci and provide answers by June 31st, a date that doesn’t exist. Which is surprising, considering the last thing I would’ve expected her to do is extend Pride Month.”
“Either he shares a tailor with a Ken doll, or he spends so much time yankin’ stuff out of his keister that he just likes to have the zipper back there to make it easy. But it raised a lot of questions—like, how did he zip his pants? And was his belt also on backwards? And how lucky are we that this man no longer has the nuclear codes?”
—Stephen Colbert, on the bizarre zipperless dress pants Trump wore at his Saturday cult rally
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 11, 2021
Note: Get vaccinated. Get vaccinated. Get vaccinated. A public service message from the National Association of Note Writers Who Say Everything Three Times.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Juneteenth: 8
Percent of Americans who supported overturning Roe v. Wade in 2008 and 2021, respectively, according to Gallup polling: 33%, 32%
Percent who supported leaving it alone in 2008 and 2021: 52%, 58%
Price tag of the Keystone XL pipeline, which TC Energy says it’s scrapping: $9 billion
Rate at which solar modules will be produced by First Solar when their new plant, the largest outside of China, opens near Toledo, Ohio: one every 2.8 seconds
Year during which the cicadas will return: 2038
Age of Michael J. Fox as of Wednesday: 60
Puppy Pic of the Day: Welcome to the kiddie pool…
CHEERS to finally being able to shout “Oily Oily Oxenfree!” Like everything else that’s contentious in this country, I thought the Keystone XL pipeline saga was going to be an on-again, off-again theater production for the rest of time—“on” during Republican administrations, “off” during Democratic ones. So having this moment to claim a victory for our side is as unexpected as it is welcome:
Energy infrastructure company TC Energy said on Wednesday it had terminated the $9 billion Keystone XL pipeline project, months after U.S. President Joe Biden revoked a key permit in a blow to Canada’s oil sector.
Keystone XL, which would have been under construction this year, was expected to carry 830,000 barrels per day of Alberta oil sands crude to Nebraska.
But opposition from U.S. landowners, Native American tribes and environmentalists had delayed the project for the past 12 years, with Biden pledging to scrap the permit, which he did on his first day in office.
Congratulations to all the indigenous tribes, environmentalists, and landowners who never gave up. The moral of this story is pretty simple: some things are so potentially catastrophic that they simply shouldn’t be uncorked in the first place. And now, kids, stay tuned for the July grand opening of the 1,179-mile Keystone XL Happy Fun Slide. (Don’t forget to pack a lunch. And probably a flashlight.)
CHEERS to confirming President Obama’s judicial nominees. That’s not a misprint. Earlier this week the Senate finally got off its massive ass and approved the first of Joe Biden’s picks for federal judgeships. Both, however, were first nominated by Barack Obama but stalled by Moscow Mitch. New Jerseyite Julien Neals was the first to get the green light, followed quickly by mile-high nominee Regina Rodriguez for the U.S. District in Colorado…
…making the trial lawyer and former federal prosecutor the first Asian-American judge to sit on the state’s federal bench. […]
A Gunnison native, Rodriguez is the daughter of a Mexican-American father and a Japanese-American mother whose family was relocated to an internment camp in Wyoming during World War II.
She headed the U.S. attorney for Colorado’s civil rights division during her tenure working for the U.S. Justice Department and represented corporate clients in private practice, most recently for global firm Wilmer Hale.
As we end the week, that’s two vacancies down and 78 to go. 79 if you count Judge Judy.
CHEERS to the anti-Clarence Thomas. Speaking of justice, on Sunday’s date in 1967, in an act of equal parts courage and smarts, Lyndon Johnson nominated Thurgood Marshall to become the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. His 24 years on the bench worked out very well for America, and his previous work wasn’t chopped liver, either:
After amassing an impressive record of Supreme Court challenges to state-sponsored discrimination, including the landmark Brown v. Board decision in 1954, President John F. Kennedy appointed Thurgood Marshall to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit.
In this capacity, he wrote over 150 decisions including support for the rights of immigrants, limiting government intrusion in cases involving illegal search and seizure, double jeopardy, and right to privacy issues. […]
In 1965 President Lyndon Johnson appointed Judge Marshall to the office of U.S. Solicitor General. Before his subsequent nomination to the United States Supreme Court in 1967, Thurgood Marshall won 14 of the 19 cases he argued before the Supreme Court on behalf of the government. Indeed, Thurgood Marshall represented and won more cases before the United States Supreme Court than any other American.
And no one ever—ever—found a pubic hair on his Coke can.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to a good start. On June 11, 1776, the Continental Congress formed a committee in Philadelphia to draft a Declaration of Independence. Here are three of those members—Adams, Franklin and Jefferson—hashing out the particulars in the HBO miniseries John Adams:
The Declaration itself was nice, but what really floors me is: a committee actually did something useful.
CHEERS to home vegetation. In terms of TV, it’s pretty much the usual this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow holding a lighter up to the sprinkler system at 30 Rock to douse the fires in their hair. Tonight at 10 on Real Time, Bill Maher actually has a decent lineup: Neal DeGrasse Tyson, Rachel Bitecofer, and Rob Reiner.
The most popular movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. Sports schedules: MLB here, the NHL here, WNBA here, and the NBA here. Saturday at 5, Fox starts its coverage of the 45th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, and the Best in Show finals start Sunday evening at 7:30. (If the basset hound wears a Sherlock Holmes hat and pipe, he’s a lock.)
On 60 Minutes: a profile of GOAT Simone Biles, the destruction caused by high-velocity assault weapon ammo, and the last voyage of the last known slave ship. And the weekend concludes with a cup of mellow John Oliver tea Sunday night at 11 on a new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Rep. Michael McCaul (CULT-TX); former Obama Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Michèle Flournoy.
Face the Nation: White House senior adviser for Covid response Andy Slavitt; Sen. Susan Collins (CULT-ME); former FDA commissioner Dr. Scott Gottlieb.
CNN’s State of the Union: Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ).
Ten years ago in C&J: June 11, 2011
CHEERS to capturing lightning in a bottle. Well, they did it! The geek squad at CERN (or “CERN” for short) did something that would’ve made our cave-dweller ancestors believe we were mighty gods:
Scientists said Sunday they had trapped and stored antihydrogen atoms for a record 16 minutes, a stunning technical feat that promises deeper insights into the mysteries of antimatter. … “We can keep the antihydrogen atoms trapped for 1,000 seconds. This is long enough to begin to study them—even with the small number that we can catch so far,” said Jeffrey Hangst, spokesman for the ALPHA team conducting the tests at the European Organisation for Nuclear Research (CERN) in Geneva.
It should be noted that the experiment didn’t produce the so-called “God particle,” which scientists believe will reveal how the universe was created. However, it did something even more impressive: it put the toothpaste back in the tube. Nobels for everyone!
And just one more…
CHEERS to a Loving legacy. When Mildred Loving died 13 years ago at 68, she left behind a milestone that reached its dramatic height 54 years ago. On June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court ruled on a case called Loving v. Virginia, striking down state miscegenation laws (Virginia’s had been on the parchment since the mid-1600s). Since this is Pride Month, it’s worth revisiting the statement Loving issued on the 40th anniversary of the announcement of its ruling in her case. When she fought for equal marriage rights, she meant for everyone:
The older generation’s fears and prejudices have given way, and today’s young people realize that if someone loves someone they have a right to marry.
Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the “wrong kind of person” for me to marry.
I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.
I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about.
And don’t get her started on wedding cakes.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?